Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Fashion; finally (Fashion NO NOs)

Well I know I profess to talk about fashion on this here blog, but I've done a lousy job thus far of discussing even the most basic of trends. So today we rectify this injustice! I hope to bring my sardonic wit to bear on a few of my least loved pieces of "cutie" couture.

1) Thong platform sandals. If you're short and you want to look tall: wear heels. Otherwise you should just jump off of a really tall platform somewhere. This is of course assuming you don't want to look like you stepped out of a trailer. Maybe that's why these were invented, to make the step from the trailer to the ground less arduous for meth head trailer trash. My apologies, that was staring in my face the whole time.

2) Bedazzling. This trend is sad and pathetic. Fashion should never include glue and kid's art supplies. The only time this is okay is on Paris Hilton's phone. We already know she's a sparkly whore so she needs to advertise.

Also! This doesn't count! These are sexy and not tacky:

3) Circular framed sunglasses. These are heinous, we're talking warcrimes ugly. If you're a girl (or guy in my opinion) do you really want John Lennon to be what you look like? That's what I thought. Here are pictures as evidence of the uglyness. Wear sunglasses to shield your eyes from the horror (do I need to repeat this-not round sunglasses).

Uncanny resemblance no?

What a babe!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Just a thought

If pictures were really worth thousands of words.....

.....what would this one say about the life I want to live with the woman I want to love?

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Thrill

Twice now i've experienced the thrill of betting everything I own on my own success. Literally every cent I own and two million, seven hundred thousand I don't on what I normally consider a very safe bet: myself. As self confident as I normally am, cocky even, there's still this tremendous fear that I'll botch it all. I fear that I'll drop the touchdown pass and be relegated to a life of normalcy and financial toil forever. But back to that enormous feeling. It's like a weight. Like a physical weight I can feel on my shoulders pressing down on me and it makes it difficult to breathe. Add to that the fiscal hurdles I have to jump over while holding this invisible elephant on my shoulders and you can understand why it is that I pinch pennies and poach ponies. Horse meat taste's terrible but desperation is desperation and hunger is hunger (chill out PETA, no ponies are actually being eaten, I'm speaking metaphorically). So on that day that I don that cap and gown for my third and probable final time, I plan on being wealthy. Filthy rich.

Sunday, December 25, 2011


I've long since tried to make this blog as candid as I could. Sometimes I end up not writing exactly what I'm trying to say, but c'est la vie . Today we're going to take an honest look at intimacy. Now for those of you who thought I meant sex. I don't, for once. I'm talking intimacy as in the real deal Holyfield bare your soul to another kind. The kind of nakedness that we rarely consider in a world where even marriage, the most intimate journey a man and woman can embark on together, even that marriage is oft cut short of the "death do us part," intention. So now we live in a world where prenuptial agreements ensure that there is no risk (financially speaking) to that which is rightfully ours (heavy sarcasm here). This way when the marriage goes belly up--because, it's bound to do so eventually right?--we won't really have risked anything. And when I say anything, I mean anything. We're not capable of sharing our vulnerabilities with our spouse these days. We all fear we'll have a Kim K. marriage and end up having spilled out our most cherished secrets, the stuff we tell only one person ever, to someone who will take us to court and smile as they ask for half of all our earnings, child support payments, and the dog.

Now please don't misunderstand me. I am the product of a hideously broken home, a marriage that crashed and burned and burned me. So when I write/rant about these things, I do so with my bias, there's really no way around it. That being said, I think the knowledge I've gained is invaluable, and my scars serve the purpose of any other scar; to protect me from injury and remind me of the route I ought not go. This knowledge is extremely lucid in my mind. There's no escaping it. So here I am garrulously writing about nonsense (know you know what I was saying in the first two sentences) when I want to share the knowledge I've gained.

True intimacy is a state of complete vulnerability. It's taking off all the armor we wear to protect ourselves from the terrors of others and providing the person we choose to trust with a kill shot--should they decide to take it. Make no mistake, intimacy is a risk, a HUGE risk. It's a high stakes wager. On the one hand you have given them the ability to hurt you greatly, on the other you have allowed them insider information on the real you. They are privy to things that no one else should ever know. And THAT is where intimacy begins. It's a beautiful thing and so it's a great tragedy that our culture has abandoned it in lieu of facebook friends and prenuptial agreements, because with great risk comes the possibility of great reward.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas for Adults

Isn't Christmas the most romantic holiday around. The cold makes snuggling and hot cocoa a daily treat. And who wouldn't like to hang out underneath a lil mistletoe with their beau? Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

10 things I did in Hawaii this Christmas break

1. Ate a coconut I personally escorted out of a coconut palm in a jungle.
2. Snuck into disney's Aulani resort pool area with three friends and ate Hawaiian shaved ice in the shade by the pool
3. Watched a Waikiki sunset with that empty feeling that accompanies knowing you should be sharing a kiss with someone at that precise moment in time.
4. Ate steamed shrimp from a shrimp farm in a tropical rainstorm under a canopy in 80 degree weather.
5. Went to 7 beaches in one day, swam in each and every one.
6. Snorkeled a half mile offshore over a reef that went at least that far up and down the beach.
7. Hiked a mile through dense rainforest to overlook a gorgeous view of a bay I can't pronounce the name of.
8. Drove around an entire island in a day with two fantastic friends getting lost on adventure after adventure.
9. Wore flip flops, swim trunks, sunscreen, and a smile like it was my Hawaii uniform.
10. Discovered that California and Colorado have the most beautiful women in the world. Hawaii has a bevy of obese polynesian women who ride around in motorized wheelchairs in costco. P.S. I haven't been to Colorado.
11. (Bonus Event) Searched for and found the Black Pearl ship from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Lunch Break

The clinic I work at is in a business complex. This piece of information is relevant because businesses mean business people. Business people dress up. When I say business people I mean women because I couldn't care less about what the guys are wearing. GORGEOUS business women. Nothing says sexy like a woman in a power suit with heels. I have always considered myself a feminist and I will continue to be one because I love a woman who is successful. A mellow housewife that has 2.5 kids and a white picket fence--not for me! I loath boring.