Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day Survival Tips

21 years of being single have taught me a thing or two on how to deal with the glum feelings of valentines day. So here is my valentines day survival guide for the lonely. Ten tips that I hope will make you feel less depressed. Happy Valentines day my loves!

#1 wear sweat pants all day long.
No one cares what you look like, so take advantage of this perk. Don't let today be a day where you look for your soulmate, you're not going to find them today and the pressure to do so will be emotionally draining for you. Instead, look as grungy as you can flip cupid the bird. He is the asshole that started this shit.

#2 eat whatever the heck you want.
Marvin Gaye was wrong, sexual healing is not what you need. You need comfort food. No sex is going to give you that delightful heart diseased feeling that loads of fat laden food will give you.

#3 love yourself
Take this whatever way you wish. They all help. But whatever you do: Just be happy with you!

#4 Laughter is key
There is no sadness that a marathon of "The Office" can't cure.

#5 Wine, lots of wine.
Red wine, white wine, it doesn't matter, as long as it gets you where you need to be.
Bonus tip: buy some coke and mix it with your red wine, it's called Calimocho or Rioja libre. This will serve two purposes: 1. it will be exotic and everyone wants someone exotic. 2. It fulfills your need for body!

#6 Chocolate
This endorphin infused edible delight will fill you with an opiate-like euphoria, and who doesn't want that? Bonus tip #2: Buy chocolate covered cherries. This way you can pop some cherries today.

#7 Gore
This one might appeal more to my testosterone fueled male friends. I recommend watching Gladiator, Rambo, Comando, Saving Private Ryan....etc. Basically watch anything that will make you think less about hearts and arrows in the context of valentines day, and will instead make you think of hearts being ripped out of chests and arrows piercing flesh.

#8 Heels
Now if you're a guy, disregard this tip (unless you're into that). Almost all women have a love affair with heels that borders on obsession (and then passes the border and becomes a downright fetish). So ladies, in the privacy of your own home, put on your tallest pair of hooker heels, you know the pair, the ones you wear in vegas when you're not looking for love. Strut around the house with just those heels on and refer to tip #3.

#9 Make a reservation
Choose a very expensive restaurant and make a reservation for one. Now obviously this must be done ahead of time, but it's worth the wait. When V-day comes, you will enjoy a delicious meal by yourself. Derive comfort from the fact that your lonely tush kept some procrastinating fool of a man from taking his lass out to that fine restaurant.

#10 Fall in love
All kidding aside, if you've had your eye on someone for a while, let today be the day you let all the pent up emotion out. My grandparents had their first date on valentines day. My grandma lied to my grandpa when he asked if she had plans that night. She ended up canceling her date with some poor fool and going out with the handsome hunk who had waited till valentines day to ask her.

1 comment:

  1. This post is probably the best thing EVER!!!!!
    Cheers to us singles. I will be watching Gladiator, with a glass of wine, in a pair of heels while eating tons and tons of chocolate. Hopefully that'll make me feel better :)