Relationships: A dialogue

Spend four minutes (or four years in a major and minor dominated by women) in the presence of a group of women and you will quickly find out the favored topic: relationships. Women are obsessed with them. It's the difference between any "chick flick" and the bevy of explosion heavy, blood and guts movies targeting the testosterone infused men in America. Women love to talk about, read about, watch and dream about relationships. And for millennia we have been hearing them talk about, write about (Jane Austen anyone), act out, and relate their dreams about--on three everyone--RELATIONSHIPS! Now before I lose all my women readers here please allow me to let you in on a little secret about men: we're not terrified of relationships. Most of us are just particular about the woman we'd be willing to take that joint venture with. Please allow me to explain more.

There are a few red flags that send guys running for the hills away from or out of relationships. I'll rattle off a few here along with how to avoid them.

-Women who remove our identity as an individual. Some women forget that men are fiercely protective of who they are as individuals. We're proud of who we are and we are terrified of losing our identity and becoming one of those men who used to exist before they were swallowed whole into an ambiguous existence in a relationship. The women of our dreams cherish our identity and find ways to make us consider them a part of it. One way they do this by encouraging time spent doing hobbies we enjoy without them. That way when we do come back home to them we have a profound appreciation for their respect of who we are. A woman like this is indispensable.

-Drama. There are a lot of truly sad and tragic things in this world, another girl wearing the same dress as you at a party is not one of them. Don't be THAT girl. Instead, don't sweat the small stuff. There are few things as sexy to a guy as a girl who is nonchalant when she has reason to be upset. We find you fascinating and want to know more about you. So instead of crying when something embarrassing or awkward happens, laugh it off, your guy will appreciate your poise.

-Speaking of poise. Women that lack poise! Class is every bit as important to us as looks. Don't let the slutty girls fool you. We may look at them and find them appealing short term, but we all want a woman we can respect and cherish. The girl who gives it up all the time is not that girl. I hate to pull the economics out on you, but when there is a surplus of any commodity that commodity loses value. Think of the slutty girl as the piece of gravel you find in dirty parking lots. The woman (notice I didn't say girl) who knows she's worth the wait and doesn't sleep around is a diamond in the rough; she's hard to find and extremely valuable to us. Emulate Audrey Hepburn instead of Paris Hilton.

-Snooping. A woman who is confident doesn't go snooping around because she's worried her guy is about to or may be cheating on her. This is juvenile behavior and indicative of her own lack of confidence in the relationship. If you're hot stuff you don't worry someone's going to steal your man. Being sexy is all about confidence and snooping shows a lack thereof.

-Phone. I talked to a bunch of my guy friends and the results were nearly unanimous. Stay off the phone when we're together. We find it admirable that you have such gifted fingers, really we do, but please text less when you are on dates with us. If you want brownie points, visibly turn off your phone at the start of the date, that tells us we are a priority. We will reward you later.

-Complaining. If you are one of those girls that is always complaining about minor inconveniences we will quickly classify you as high maintenance. So complain less and smile more. Happiness is contagious and everyone likes to feel happy, a girl that makes you feel that way via proximity alone is a catch indeed.

-Manners. This goes hand in hand with poise. We expect you to know how to say please and thank you. I personally find it appalling when anyone is rude to a waitress or waiter. I would jump ship immediately if I ever saw a girl I was dating be rude to a person serving them.

-Money. This one is both simple and yet somehow still complex. Be responsible with your money. There are free programs out there that help you manage it; to not take advantage is just irresponsible.

Alright, enough with the red flags. So we've covered a few of the biggest pet peeves, now it's time for the dessert. Lets talk about the things that drive us crazy in a good way. In reality there are far more reasons we fall head over heels for you than there are reasons we run away. Now every guy is different when it comes to the things that drive us wild (once again in a good way). So obviously I will be giving a few of my personal favorite qualities. Lest you think this is an exhaustive post I'll have you know that so many of the things I find appealing about the women I fall for are impossible to articulate. Poetry is a better medium, but here goes for prose:

I women I fall for are walking contradictions. They are spontaneous, wild, and completely unpredictable and yet irreconcilably conscientious. Articulate and well-read, yet street smart too. As comfortable in a library as they are on a dance floor. Rebellious and witty but not sardonic. I'm fascinated by their ability to be both naughty and nice. They understand that like Drake "Sometimes I need that romance...sometimes I need that pole-dance." To quote Alex McCord, "She's a thug in a cocktail dress." The girl I'd be willing to date is an unsolvable riddle, but she's so fascinating to me that I would spend all of eternity trying. She's ambitious to a fault and is always pursuing some further goal. She doesn't need me in a possessive clingy way but she does desire me. She's feisty and can stand up to me without hesitation. She knows all my buttons. She is clever and her wit shines in the back and forth banter we so love. She LOVES to dance and doesn't get embarrassed if I start dancing with her in public sans music. She has an excellent sense of humor. She loves to explore and adventure with me but would be just as happy curled up on the couch watching The Office together. She lets me have time without her and she wants time without me. She's romantic and enjoys being romanced. Family is extremely important to her and she wants children in the future but they're not all she wants. She has excellent taste; whether it's interior design or outfit selection she's fantastic at it. She loves to exercise and is very competitive. She loves to travel to exotic places. She works hard at whatever she does. She's passionate both about her interests and about life in general. She is trouble and I LOVE trouble. But most importantly she loves Jesus. Oh, did I mention she's exquisitely beautiful? Yeah, that too.